A mommy's tale
Just as I was sitting down to write, all of a sudden, Les Jours Tristes by Yann Tiersen’s soundrack for Amelie movie was on the radio. Dropped the pencil and keyboard and rushed to find and play the album. It was since the day we were coming back from hospital with our newborn Nike that those sounds have reached upon my ears. I was at the back seat with the sleeping baby next to me, watching Athens city lights fade away. Even though my house is so close I felt like I am kissing the city goodbye…
Following days were chaotic. “It’s only natural” everybody reassured me. “Your life now changes for good”. But while sitting among breast pumps and dirty diapers, in the few moments of the day that my thinking wasn’t blurred, the little voice in my head kept asking : “You will write again. Won’t you?”
I am not the kind of woman who looked forward to becoming a mother. According to societal norms I was late to the motherhood game-39 years old-and lucky to have played it without trouble. A kind of luck I was too sleepless to realise back then. I had just finished my Msc in Fashion studies, thesis composition pending, and dreamt of creating fasfem.com. These were parts of my the dreamlife I wished to create for myshelf. I was collapsing to the idea of giving it all up. “Fashion and culture through feminist lens”. How on earth does this feel relevant while googling about breast feeding tips and going back to work 20(!) days after delivering?
There comes to mind an older statement by Marina Abramovic who confessed to have gone through three abortions because she was convinced that becoming a mother would put an end to her artistic endeavors. So this is where it came to. We have created a world where women have claimed their rights after decades of feminist battles and at the same time time are sent back to 1950 the moment they become mothers. They are forced to deal with delimmas and proconceptions that no man - and sometimes even childless women - ever have to in the course of their lives. Academic Andrea O’Reilly had to create the term “matricentric feminism” about this and point out the gap in the feminist theory concerning motherhood and the way it is perceived by society. Because “women have been oppressed by patriarchy both as women and mothers”. She was referring to all mothers, not just the biological ones.
And now come to mind pregnant Slick Woods walkin down the catwalk at the Rihanna Savage x Fenty NYFW September 2018 fashion show. A glowing godess who few hours after the show gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Radiating creativity and power. Stating she “can do whatever she wants”. Of course she can. She just delivered a complete human being to this world.
Women as mothers - according to behavioral neuroscience - develop ecxeptional resilience and out of the box thinking skills. Their creativity is at a peak moment with intuition and empathy following along. But society chooses to ignore these traits and trap new mothers into a never ending role exchanging game. Instead of supporting them providing care and facilities, new mothers are forced to fit into molds out of their shape, burdened with guilt, denied the right to express their unique identities. Just to become “good mothers” whatever that means.
With few delays and lots of support from my loved ones, I managed to complete my thesis. With much more delays and guilt for stealing away precious time with my daughter, fasfem.com was launched. I realised that when I allow whatever feels natural to me be expressed I become a better mother. And as a mother I am more creative and effective. Because time is limited so I do my best with what I have. After that, I enjoy returning to my family and smile. A smile that nearly got lost for good. So I am commited from now on to talk about these staff bacause someone has to in order to witness real change.
The album stopped playing. How majestic the music of Yann Tiersen! I am thinking…in an imaginary scenario of a sequel of Amelie the heroine could become a mother. Is it possible for her to stop being this sensitive creature who spread the joy all around, to lose her identity, just because she had to take care of a little baby? I wonder….
Credits:
This essay was firstly published on ELLE Greece magazine, March 2021 issue, as part of the article “Φωνές Γυναικών” .
Drawing “Radiant Milk” by Hein Koh.
